“Be present in the moment.” he says. “Focus on your breath”.
But there is no present.
I can’t find it.
I can’t hold onto it.
There is only the “what if” of the future and the “what the fuck” of the past.
I shift on the couch and take a deep breath.
I’m playing along.
He sees through my act.
“Focus on the noises around you. Find the present.” he says.
I close my eyes, but I can feel him watching me.
I don’t like being observed.
I hear the second hand tick tick ticking on the clock.
It pisses me off.
My mind drifts to what I want to do with the rest of my day.
The future wins.
Brunch with Kate.
I’m going to order pancakes with Nutella, poached eggs, bacon and a mimosa.
I wonder how bad it really is to drink on these new meds?
I hate being on meds.
I love being on meds.
I need to vacuum my apartment.
Maybe I’ll shop for sweaters after brunch,
or just get back into bed and watch movies on my laptop.
“What sounds do you hear?” he asks.
Oh shit. I’m supposed to be listening to sounds.
The tick tick ticking of the clock gets louder.
“I hear the clock.” I say.
“I hear the traffic. It’s loud. Where’s everyone rushing off to on a Friday morning?”
“Just stay in the present.” he says. “Deep breath.”
“You stay in the present”, I think to myself as I inhale.
My eyes still closed.
“You’re smiling.” he observes.
“This makes me uncomfortable.” I admit. “I hate this.”
“I can see that.” he validates. “Let’s try something else.”
I exhale and open my eyes.
“Ok great. What’s next? I really want to get better.”